NYTimes April 16, 2008

TOP STORIES


Big Tax Breaks for Businesses in Housing Bill
Homeless constituents huddling in capitol's doorways thank Congress for all their hard work

McCain Outlines Broad Proposals for U.S. Economy
Broads will be required to give up their jobs to support "family values".

Iraqi Unit Flees Post, Despite American’s Plea

Abu-Garib commander suggests return to use of dog-collars and leashes.


QUOTATION OF THE DAY

"There is nothing wrong with it — it’s not illegal. But it’s ugly."
WILLIAM H. GROSS, chief investment officer of Pacific Investment Management, on wearing garter belts, fish-nets and strap-ons while screwing their small investors.

OPINION

Right Fight, Wrong Word
In the Campaign Stops blog, Dan Schnur, a Republican political analyst, talks about why he needs to prove Barack Obama is an elitist. "Seriously, we'd rather run against Hillary if it's all the same to the Democrats."

WORLD

French Bill Takes Chic Out of Being Too Thin
Legislators complain skeletal mistresses insult pompous chefs, France's chief export.

Dozens Killed in Bombings in Four Iraqi Cities
American commanders suggest munitions manufacturing may be key to salvaging Iraqi economy. "The Iraqis should do what they're good at."

Protest by Zimbabwe’s Opposition Falters as the Army Makes a Show of Force
Opposition leaders initiate operation "Run & Hide", forget to tell followers.


U.S.

THE POPE'S VISIT
Pope, in U.S., Is ‘Ashamed’ of Pedophile Priests
Hopes ordering them to stand in a corner until mass is over will teach them a lesson.


‘The Lord Wants Us Here,’ Texas Pilgrims Say of Pope Visit
Pilgrims hope Pontiff will bestow on them The Lord's promise of Green Cards as well.

Bleak Stories Follow a Lawsuit on Oklahoma Foster Care
Children claim foster-care workers forced them to sing Rogers & Hammerstein tunes as extras in State-sponsored musical.


nytimes.com/theater

Morgan Freeman in "The Even-Tempered & Wise Best-Friend Guy"
Also in Theater:
• Harvey Fierstein in "It Really Hurts Me To Talk & Sing".
• David Hyde Pierce in "Another Effeminate Male Supporting Role".
• Laurence Fishburne in "Morpheus Rules!".


BUSINESS

Wall Street Winners Get Billion-Dollar Paydays
Wall Sreet Losers Get 401K Plans

Merck Wrote Drug Studies for Doctors
Company spokesman claimed Drug Giant was only trying to accommodate busy professionals.

Delta’s Chief Faces Skeptics as He Tries to Sell a Deal With Northwest
Airline employees want contractual promise that, get this, there won't be any layoffs after merger.


SPORTS

METS 6, NATIONALS 0
Mets win. 'Nuff said.

YANKEES 5, RAYS 3
Yankees getting their money's worth.

Putting Scandals in Past, Officials See Gains on Doping
Olympic Committee chief there's no reason to suspect anyone is doping anymore - the athletes, that is. Judges are another matter.



ARTS

On a New Album, Not Merely Acting Like a Singer
Zooey Deschanel can sing so you should buy her records as well as see her movies because one successful career just isn't enough for this ungrateful recipient of Hollywood nepotism.


VIDEO GAMES

Exploring Fantasy Life and Finding a $4 Billion Franchise
School-age girls find virtual retreat from sex & violence-soaked popular culture.

A Creator of Captain America, Fighting On
Superhero's strength and copyright lawyers needed to fight Hollywood villainy.

DINING & WINE

What’s for Dinner? The Pollster Wants to Know
Fast-food voters want instant gratification, not political nutrition.

One Cook, Thousands of Seders
What the hell are "seders"?

Too Much Heat in the TV Kitchen?

Gordon Ramsey needs his ass kicked.

EDITORIALS

Guns and Bitter
Bitter gun nuts hold primary hostage in Pennsylvania


The Limits of the Death Penalty
Supreme Court considers constitutionality of spitting and pissing on corpse.

Mr. Berlusconi’s Comeback
Italian prime minister promises beautiful women, fast cars and pasta on every table.

New Jersey’s Immigration Crackdown
State attorney general’s office changes official policy from "cracking spic heads" to "detaining persons of unknown immigration status with approved techniques while in public view".


OP-ED

OP-ED COLUMNIST
Eggheads and Cheese Balls
MAUREEN DOWD chimes in with the conservative choir's latest song and dance: Barack Obama is an out-of-touch elitist who we really, really, really, really don't want to run against in the general election. So vote for Hillary.

Topics in University Security: Lockdown 101
JAMES ALAN FOX thinks we should just chillax when it comes to college security. "It's really gonna ruin the campus buzz, yo."

Fear and Learning on Campus
ALICE MATHIAS thinks the ratings bonanza from school shootings will create more crimes of fame.

God and Man at Notre Dame
KENNETH L. WOODWARD hopes Pope Benedict XVI doesn't re-institute the use of thumb-screws in Catholic colleges and universities.